I can't convince myself that anything is more than an emergent property of its components, so whilst I'm aware of the intense beauty of life that we can perceive as part of our human experience, I don't believe in afterlife. Having had an experience where my mind was completely convinced I was dying, I am very definitely ~not~ mentally prepared to face infinite oblivion as the person I am right now.
I think about dying a lot, I've always romanticized suicide, I don't really know why but I have. I think part of me thinks suicide is beautiful, at least my own. Perhaps that's just being egocentric though - thinking that suicide gives my life any more value or significance. I also think that I think of my suicide in a very social sense, as surely: "it would show all those who haven't given me enough attention or who dislike me that THEY did this." Yeah that's probably it, it's just an ego thing. As a child I had unstable friendships because I joined a very cliquey year group when we moved, so I was always the outsider. I've maintained this basic understanding of my position in social groups and it's shaped how I perceive people for my whole life. I've kept this fuck you feeling deep down and it's festered and corrupted how I socially perceive, making me emotionally thorny and hateful as default.
At this point I really couldn't explain the social structures that I'm surrounded by, I have no idea what is actually real and what is skewed by my own bias. I'd much rather have my own clique of people who were as much gatekeepers as I was. (Which makes sense given I was placed next to one in primary school.) Now I'm very aware that this is an unhealthy way to operate and I'd like to clarify that this is not how I conduct myself in everyday life, regardless I think it is important to face these fundamental biases in a direct way.
I'm a very sad person. I want someone to hold me but I don't feel I deserve that, even when I am held it doesn't really hit because I feel like I grow this invisible cocoon so it's as if they're not even touching me. I've dealt with episodes of intense and immobilising depression for most of my life. That's hard sometimes.
I really want to cry. I can't cry I wish I could so much. It's strange how I feel like I want to just weep more than anything and I feel like that would make me feel ok, whilst also not ever being able to. Maybe I have some deep mental block that's so entrenched that I can't even identify it with all this introspection, or maybe it's a metaphor.
Addendum: Usually when I feel like this I listen to this one specific 911 training call from a girl called Nicky. I did the same after writing this, but this time ended up going down a YouTube rabbit hole before finding the opening scene of "ghost ship". Which I think manages to combine all of the most horrific things about death and puts them in one movie scene. I have to say that was definitely very grounding. Extremely bitter after taste but I guess I'm feeling more real now.
Addendum morning: not suicidal was just a mood oops lol
Being in nature is really nice. This morning I woke up at 06:30 (thank you very much poorly cut blinds.. love having like 30 hours sleep a week) and had a coffee and some 85% chocolate at the end of my garden as the sun was coming up.
Also I really do wonder if I have OCD. Here's a list of things which could be a sign from the past: 1.) At school I couldn't touch my books or my bag or anything without washing my hands after because I considered them dirty. 2.) Didn't revise for GCSEs because if I wanted to use my books I'd have to wipe them down first. 3.) Eating disorder. 4.) Couldn't go outside without washing all my clothes and cleaning all the things I'd brought with me after. Even visiting relatives I had to deep clean once I got home. 5.) If a family member or otherise touched anything in my room I'd have to wipe down whatever they touched once they'd left. 6.) Showered 2/3 times a day. - terrified of any sort of persperation or bodily fluid, sexual or regular.
Now I've basically shaken all of this to a degree, I have a very sensible relationship with hygiene now, but I did this by creating a patchwork of rules in my head of what was OK. For example, even well into College I'd still sterilise my phone on getting home every day, but I created a rule that I didn't need to if it hadn't been put down on any foreign surfaces when out and eventually didn't need to do that anymore. There are lots of similar examples, I could go on.
Now this leads me onto thinking about intrusive thoughts, it might seem weird that I go on about them so much but because of when they happen, no one, no matter how close they are to me will ever see me jab my finger at some invisible entity and aggresively tell it to fuck of. Now the reactions I have would be considered pretty weird should they be seen, almost schitzo but the reality is theyre really not, the reaction is always the same and often involuntary. Anyway I was reading up and apparently such repeated behaviours are a trait of OCD, where it's almost a fight or flight response where I automatically try and dispell the thought.
I really thought that OCD-like behaviours were a childish phase I'd gotten over but I was thinking and there's lot's of stuff that I do that could be noted. This is what I'm talking about how there's this patchwork of rules that allow me to operate normally, but sometimes it doesn't catch everything and I do some weird stuff. An exmaple is taps, now with taps I always have to rinse the tips of my fingers after using the tap, always. I do this because I tell myself any contaminents from the handles will be soluble in the water and when I dry the water from them any solute will come of and I won't have to wash my hands. I also do this after touching stuff like cooker knobs if I haven't used my shirt.
I also always open the fridge from any point other than the handle, same with draws if I can. I've never touched the inside of a bus with my hands. I lean on a seat I'll use my wrists, in fact anything that involves supporting my weight I will try and use any part of my body other than my hands to attach myself. It's funny - first year college whenever the bus was full, I wouldn't be able to hold anything so I'd just stand there like a fucking action man fighting the rocking of the bus - wide stance power pose lmao. Also door handles - try not to touch those as well, If I do i'll grab the inside(?) if that makes sense, anyways a part that I imagine is touched infrequently.
I really hate to self-diagnose and I always have I just tell myself I'm fine but talking to mindy makes it quite clear that you can genuinely feel like that and really not be, again probably my brain deciding I'm not worthy of diagnosing myself with something so serious, which is a psycological behaviour that makes sense condiering the whole eating disorder/generally cluster C thing.
Don't really know how to conclude this rant, guess I'm still confused about it, I read that there's like an 85% overlap of AS and OCD so who knows.
After what happened in september I have thought about it everyday since, maybe I'm traumatised? Don't think I'd be able to walk down a long road whilst tripping again. But it's not even the actual ativistic terror that was bad it's the embarrassment that causes these intrusive thoughts which causes these ticks and fuck I hate the ticks I read that the style of ticks are an ocd thing which makes sense because I didn't realise how bad I used to be until I actually talked to people about it and they were shocked that I lived like that. The intrusive thoughts are really bad now they're nearly constant I want it to stop but I can't make it stop I tell them to fuck off and that theyre not real but fuck they won't stop. I went on a walk and they wouldn't stop until I took my headphones off and actually listened to nature instead of living in my fucking electronic bubble. It's not even like intrusive thoughts are a new thing but I can probably say they've never been as bad as they are now probably because being quarantined allows me to be buffeted around by my mind constantly.
I also really struggle with caring about uni? I want to go but there's some Freudian block which constantly makes me forget/not do anything to prepare for it?? Even though I do very much want to go to uni I think part of me feels trying is pointless, maybe something more indicative of how I think than of interest.
Also I think im really wary of sex now? which is something that is weird because I enjoy sex but I'm just really anxious in the aftermath now. I don't know I don't think so I think I'm just missing that very intense intimacy I had and maybe regular intimacy feels counterfeit now really not sure I may have to discount this whole paragraph tomorrow.
Also I still think I'm battling a constant low level depression, I really do try and be very Buddhist in my approach to life in general but sometimes I'm just so numb, it's times like these I question the whole pseudo diagnosis of bipolar because it feels like there's only ( 0 _ 0 ) lol. Idk but then again there's these outbursts of just wanting to just smash my head into something repeatedly or rip my arms apart with something serrated even though I wouldn't want to do that it would hurt. Weird - anyways I feel like a better way to characterise that feeling is I just want to fucking scream like really scream, sometimes I scream into a jumper or some shit which can be therapeutic? I wish there was somewhere I could go just to scream and yell with no consequence.
addendum 200523: what I said about depression: I'm fine now lol that was just a mood (Maybe I'm bipolar as well, that's an entirely seperate discussion. I once tried to stab myself when manic oops)
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