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(6) ive started smoking a lot more recently its gross i dont really enjoy it because it's not like i can just chill in the sun with a ciggarette because my family are all quarantined together it's entirely self harm which i guess is a positive there are worse ways to self harm
(4) today i sat in cold bathwater for three hours 28 04 20
(3) the other day i gave up and just lay down in the foetal position in the bath whilst the shower ran, this is a step up from my usual knee hug because that requires some effort whilst this time i had no energy to move at all. maybe im not doing too well lol (26 or 27) april 2020 maybe
(2) ive made this page and now i feel better, don't need any nicotine for now. maybe ill add more to it someday but hopefully not, undoubtedly it will be updated im sure
(1) sometimes im really not okay and i just want to go and scream, sometimes i do scream into a pillow or sometimes or i scream without making a noise but that always makes my face go red and it feels like im going to pass out i really need to smoke man like fuck as soon as im able to start smoking again i think im going to i fucking tell you i think that really helps though im like 90% sure its psychosomatic but its something to fucking do you know
